Terrified, and other emotions

This weekend was overall wonderful, blissful. It's amazing how close I feel to him, how connected I feel. Today we snuggled on the bed, sharing private thoughts, desires, everything. He told me how deeply committed he feels toward me, how he trusts me. I told him I have never felt a relationship as complete as I do with him, and I feel so lucky to have him. But that was after the scary part of the weekend.

E has a pool. I love swimming, he has up to that point made excuses about the water being too cold. I egged him on, begging him to come in. He then told me about his fear of the water since he almost drowned when he was a child. He watched me swimming around, asked about how to float, how to keep my head above water, things like that. I gave brief explanations. Eventually he wound up in the water. I blame myself a lot for the next part. I don't think I was really comprehending what he was saying. I took for granted that he would be OK. We were getting out toward the deep end. I couldn't touch the bottom anymore, and I think he could barely touch. Suddenly, and I'm not sure exactly what happened, but he went underwater. Then he starts thrashing. I grabbed his arm and tried to pull him as much as I could, but there was nothing for me to hold on to, and for a second I was afraid he might pull me under too. At one point he grabbed me but then let go, it seemed like he knew he couldn't safely do that. It felt like forever but was probably only 30 seconds until he regained his footing and went back to the shallow end. I tried to stay calm, he seemed OK, just coughed a little, then we went on like nothing major had happened.

I don't think it really hit me until last night. He's fine now, but I had a glimpse of his mortality. I have had this pain in my heart, been crying and anxious.

I can't imagine losing him. I can't imagine going through this again. This relationship is so very different from mine with Joe, and as painful as losing him was, I don't know how this would compare. I don't know what to do, what to feel right now. There is no way I would consider NOT being with E. No way. But knowing that statistically speaking, I will be widowed again and him dying...God I don't know how I could handle that. Joe was sick for a while, but I never considered the possibility he would die. I just never allowed my mind to go there. But now I know it can happen... I don't know how to explain this feeling, other than sheer terror and panic. I read others' posts about this type of feeling, and thought I understood since I had moments of waking up to check E's breathing (Joe died in his sleep) or worrying while he was making the long drive (3 hours) home, but this is nothing like those little worries I had before.

Is this still in the normal realm of widow fall-out? I know that with any love and joy comes the risk of pain, and I know that absolutely the pain is (will be?) worth the absolute happiness I am experiencing with him, but I don't really know how to totally convince myself that things will be OK.

I just want to hold him, cover his face with kisses, and stay snuggled under the covers and never let anything bad ever happen. Unfortunately he's away doing his thing, and I won't see him for another 2 weeks most likely. I have to stay here and let my imagination run wild with all the worst-case scenarios.