Halloween

It didn't even FEEL like Halloween. I feel so numb around the holidays. Aside from the weather changing and it feeling better outside, nothing really makes me "happy." I can be not sad, but not quite happy either. Is this normal? Do normal people feel not happy, or are they pretty much happy? Hmm, getting too deep for 1:30 in the morning I think.

Since it's after midnight, it's officially All Saints' Day. I suppose I should go to Mass, I don't know if I will or not. Isn't this a day of obligation? I can never remember. I haven't been to Confession in months, and I know I have a lot to confess. Maybe I'll go to Mass and not take Communion, so I don't have to face Confession just yet.

Sunday is All Souls' Day. I will go to the special Mass in the cemetery on Sunday evening. It will be nice, there will be candles and songs, the priest will bless the graves, including where Joe's ashes are stored. I went last year, although that was just 3 months after he died. I wonder if it will feel the same. I have not been back to the cemetery since his ashes were put there last Thanksgiving Day.

I posted last Sunday that E called, just to say hello. He ended up calling again later, invited me over for dinner. I was not planning on going since I had plans, but he called again as I was getting done and I went over there. I shouldn't have, but I know in my heart I was hoping he would call, I was hoping I would go over there, and I was hoping we would "reconcile." And we did. We had dinner and then had sex. Dinner was good, the sex was great. It always is. After dinner and before the sex, he showed me an engagement ring, saying this is what he had planned to give me the previous weekend, if only I had made the right choice. I laughed to myself when he said that, thinking I could buy myself a ring if that's what I really wanted.

We've talked every day since then. I told him flat out my line in the sand is drawn, I am not willing to do what he wants so he needs to stop hoping I'll change my mind. I am perfectly happy to let our relationship stay as it is until...until what? Until I am ready to leave for university I suppose. I need it, in some ways. As long as he is not having sex with anyone else, which he says he would never, and I believe him, I'm OK. Friday night he talked about how he wants a baby, how I am "his Queen" now but I would be his extra special Queen if I had his child. Don't worry, I'm not doing anything stupid. Wait, I guess I AM doing stupid things, but I won't do anything drastic.

I am alone this weekend and besides wanting the physical connection, I'm happy to have some downtime.