Very low point

Saturday was probably the lowest I have felt in a very long time. I will tell you right up front that I'm a horrible person for my jealousy but I have to be honest about it. I want to be happy for people but I'm so sad for me, it overwhelms any good feelings. Anyway...

Saturday I stopped by my mother-in-law's because the family was getting together to eat. My brother-in-law was in town (he lives in Miami, 5 hours away.) Little did I know there was actually like 30 people at the house. I don't do well in crowds unless I have someone I can stick by the whole time. So I hung out with MIL's husband, ate a little food, then was saying my goodbyes and making my excuses to leave. Brother-in-law says wait, then he calls everyone into the room. Then he passes around a picture. I knew immediately what it was even though it took everyone else a few minutes to "get it." A sonogram. Brother-in-law's wife is pregnant. Fuck me. When that news sunk into the crowd, they started going crazy. Seriously, this one girl jumped up and down and screamed. She's not even related, why the hell was she so excited? Everyone starts hugging and crying and high-fiving, and congratulating. I feel sick but I say my congratulations and start moving toward the door. Oh, she's also due the same month Joe died, and if it's a boy they are naming it after him. Great. MIL's husband (bless him) walks me out, says I am welcome anytime, this is my home too, etc. He's so nice (they all are, really.) I say goodbye, and as soon as he closes the door and I'm walking down the street to my car, I lose it.

I'm sobbing as I walk past all the neighbors out in the yard. I can still hear people screaming and laughing with happiness inside the house. All I can think is, that should be me and Joe. It's not fair. It's not fair that his health took all that away from us. It's not fair that we were together for 7 years and watched friends have first and then second babies. People who didn't even WANT kids got pregnant accidentally. Joe would have been such a cool dad. We wanted OUR child to be named after him. That should be ME being told to eat such-and-such, and coddled and spoiled. (I told you, I'm a horrible jealous person.)

I made it to the car even though I felt like collapsing in the street (melo-dramatic of me?) I needed to call someone who would understand, who's been there, but fact is, there's NO ONE in my exact situation. The women in my daily life all have kids and none have been widowed. The wonderful widow friends I talk to either have kids or haven't felt such a strong need for them like I have (also they seem to be better people than me and are happy for others LOL.) I ended up calling my friend Heather (who has a 1 year old) and telling her. At first she said she didn't know why I was upset, sobbing on the phone. She's like, oh - and you're upset that she's pregnant? Then she says she's sorry, and that I'll have a baby one day, which was an OK response. Then she says "you just want a baby now-now-now, it'll happen one day." Um, no, I've wanted kids for YEARS but whatever. Then she says E is not the right guy for me. Um, we weren't even talking about E. Then she says kids aren't that great anyway. Um, shut up, you have a kid. Then she says she hopes that helped. Of course I said yeah thanks that helped and hung up. She's a great friend, really, she just doesn't get it with this issue (and she's usually very good with my widow issues.)

I made it to E's house where he had been waiting for me. I walked in the door, he was sitting on the bed doing some work and smiled up at me and asked me how I was. I told him I needed a hug. He got up, gave me a big hug, I started crying again and told him the whole story. He didn't say much, just that he was sorry (I would have sworn he'd start pressuring me to get pregnant but to his credit he didn't) and kept holding me, nuzzling my cheek, kissing me, being very sweet, just the type of response I needed.

I have cried a few more times about this when I start thinking about it too much. I thought about talking to Joe's sister, the one I'm close with, but she has kids of her own and she's excited about this new baby on the way, so she won't get it. I think I'd just be jeopardizing my relationship with the family. That also got me thinking that this isn't really MY family. They love me, I do believe that, and I love them, but it's not unconditional type of love. If I were to do something, like say I was jealous of this situation, it would be very strained I'm sure. Sigh...