I'm still feeling really bad right now. I feel like my guts have been ripped out of me. Last night I had that weird numb and at the same time unbearably sad feeling, similar to grief about Joe but different. I keep replaying our moments in my head - how we spent hours lying in bed watching movies while he stroked my hand, how he would come up behind me while I was cooking or washing dishes and put his arms around me and kiss the back of my neck, how just yesterday he kissed his way up my leg tickling me, how he loved to kiss and blow on my belly (like you do to babies?) and make me laugh hysterically. I told him I had been hurt before like this, how vulnerable and insecure I had been feeling, and he reassured me countless times in the past week or so. I KNEW something was wrong, especially when he wouldn't take his profile down, and then when I found the old text messages...
And you know what my "solution" is to this? To run and try to find another guy on a dating site. This is so typical for me. I don't need another guy right now. I KNOW I need to just "be" to take care of myself, to get back to what I feel is important my religion (which I've been neglecting), my pets, my family. All these things I had been compromising to spend more time with him or to try to placate him.
God I feel so stupid. My widda friends were right. I didn't want to hear it, but you were right. He was manipulating me, trying to control me, wanting to change so many things about me. He tried to change my political/social views, tried to get rid of my pets, tried to convince me that being Catholic wasn't right, so many other things too. He was even starting to buy me clothes and shoes because I guess he didn't like my "style."
How could he bring me around his cousin (his only family in the country), how could he talk about me to her, and she would ask how I was doing, etc?
I posted a while ago about feeling my life slipping away, like I was nothing, and like I had not and would not accomplish anything, like I was an "old maid" who was destined to be a lonely crazy cat lady, well, this has just amplified those feelings about 100x.
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2 comments:
I am sorry this happened. You are not stupid. You just want a relationship and love you can count on like everyone does. That's not dumb.
Look, this guy is a player. That's a risk you take on dating sites. Some people use them just to collect partners without any intention of really connecting.
It's not a widda thing. It's a young women thing. I has a horrible time distinguishing the genuine from the player when I was in my late twenties and early 30's, long before I was ever married at all let alone widowed.
Take care of yourself. Don't worry so much about looking. Just do things you like with eyes open to see who else might like the same things.
Go to school. Check out a few bagos. Join a volunteer group (I met my first husband in the Jaycees).
But don't be so hard on yourself and don't be so quick to accept what people at the widda board think about you or your motives. They don't know you but for what you write. And frankly, as I recall, most of them don't date and don't even want to and so have no experience from which to give advice.
I will tell you what I did when I was about 33 and really not able to figure out why I kept getting involved with men who were users - I found a counselor and spent about 5 months sorting things out. Best thing I ever did. And what I learned? That there was nothing wrong with me but that I didn't expect enough for myself. I needed to state my needs and wants and walk away when they weren't being met. Treat myself as though I deserved the best.
You are good person. Strike E off your list. Someone better is out there. (which is the other thing I learned - men are everywhere).
Hey sista, just came accross this, sorry I didn't read all this before!
I'm so mad at this guy for doing this to you!!!
I know how you feel, I think I'll be left over too, but somehow I cannot believe that when it comes to you. You'll be fine, just give it time.
For now, cry and be angry!!!
Love,
Tanja
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