Am I crazy? Yes, no, maybe.

The friend and E had a few more emails exchanged.

I sent E an email saying I was done, I was hurt, I deserved better. He wrote back saying I was the one acting suspiciously, probably cheating on him but he had never cheated on me, he knew I looked in his phone, he knew the emails from the friend weren't real, etc. Over the course of a few emails he now has me feeling like I'm the one who was crazy, just psycho really, and I messed up a good thing.

I do have good friends telling me that I'm not crazy, this is just the type of thing he would say. I want to believe that. I'm not so sure though. I don't like my actions here. I don't like that I snooped in his phone, I don't like that I orchestrated a "sting" setting him up, whether he deserved it or not. I FEEL crazy. I don't like feeling that way. So regardless of whether he really was cheating on me or not, obviously this relationship is not good for ME.

It's so hard though. In crying sessions with friends, I think I have worked out some of the motivators behind me being crazy and so sad. E is the only man besides Joe to tell me he loves me. He's very smart and challenges me mentally. He's been very affectionate, passionate, attentive, the sex has been great, and I have been starved for that. Another contributor is I've just passed my 1-year anniversary since Joe died. Another is - I think I was pregnant. I had a faint positive test but didn't go to the doctor yet. I didn't say anything to anyone, I wanted to wait until I was sure. As of yesterday, I'm either not pregnant or it's an early miscarriage.

I need to remind myself of why he's not a good fit for me.

- He's older than what I want. 24 year age differences may work out sometimes, but honestly I want a husband that will be around longer and be a younger dad.
- He's very particular about cleaning, everything has to be perfect (or "his" perfect) and let's face it, I'm more of a "free spirit" when it comes to housework.
- He doesn't want my pets. He wasn't upfront with me at first about how much he didn't want them. He led me on by saying he'd be OK with a decreased number or them being outside. Also false promises of "one day we'll have lots of land, blah blah blah." Well, the proof is in the pudding. He owns a house with an acre of land, currently rents it but could move there if it was that important to him.
- He doesn't like me meeting up with friends without him. I didn't realize how much of a suspicious person he is until these recent emails.
- He wants me to agree with all of his opinions. I know a lot of people have said he is controlling and manipulative. I haven't made up my mind about that yet, but I do know he tries to change my pets, my political views, my opinions on social issues, my food preferences, etc. While I may be weird in some aspects, I don't want to change everything about myself. Then I wouldn't be "me."

I may add more later.

Thanks for reading, and for your support.