Shattered

When I arrived home last night after class, I saw one of my favorite items destroyed.

A few days ago, I had placed my small, aqua glass vase on my dresser with three perfect yellow roses. It was beautiful and made my bedroom feel almost spa-like. It was just a lovely feeling, and my spirits lifted every time I saw it. Well, last night I walked in to see it smashed into tiny jagged shards of glass, and the roses were crushed and wilted. Through my sadness, I thought this was the perfect representation of how my life has gone the last few days.

E and I broke up, and guess what the issue was? Yeah, the dogs. We had talked and worked through a lot of things, we were both saying that we loved each other so much and wanted to be together and blah blah blah. We were saying we wanted to get married soon and start working on a baby. E told me that we would make things work with the dogs. I specifically asked him would he try to manipulate me into getting rid of the dogs later on, and he said no, he would never do that, did I really think that of him? I said no, but my mind was screaming YES!

So, stupid me decides to take him at his word. Stupid me also decides (along with him) to start putting things in motion so we can get pregnant and married and live happily ever after. Since I have fertility issues, I wanted to get started soon (as did he) and have since spent a ton of money, lots of my time, physical pain, emotional ups and downs, and getting my hopes up to sky-high proportions, only to be smacked in the face with reality again.

Two days ago, E told me that he had been trying to make it work in his mind, but that he just can't/doesn't want/whatever do life with the dogs. He "just can't." During that conversation, I'm sobbing in between throwing out suggestions of compromise that he shoots down. He asks me to "just think about it."

Yesterday, I texted him saying that I loved him very much, I wanted a future with him (marriage and kids) but that I could not kill my dogs just because they were an inconvenience. I told him that if he could consider moving to another house where they could have a yard, they wouldn't be in the house like he's concerned about, etc. then to let me know. He texts back he loves me too, but it's not just them being an inconvenience, he just can't see life with them, and he doesn't want me to kill them, just get rid of them. I text back, who wants old dogs? I would have to put them down. So last night he calls, acts like nothing is wrong, asks about my day, what I ate for dinner, etc. I tell him I'm very upset, yadda yadda. He says the ball's in my court. I tell him, no, that makes it seem like it's all my fault. I've told you my decision. That's it, we can't have a relationship like this, I don't see any other options since you won't waiver. He kept trying to say, think about it, the ball's in my court, etc. I told him to let me know when he came in town again and I'd return his things, and said good-bye.

I am so angry and sad about this. Mostly sad, but I know the anger will come soon. He'll probably call me tonight asking if I've thought about it. Ughhh!!!

My friend tells me it's not necessarily him that I'm so sad about, it's more of the dream that he represents. Right now, all I feel (besides stupid for spending money, time, etc.) is another year older with no partner, another year older with no kids, another year closer to never having that. I can tell myself, and other people tell me, "it'll happen, just wait" but realistically, it might not. I turn 28 soon (don't laugh, I'm upset about this!) and I thought I'd at least have 2-3 kids by now. Definitely didn't think I'd be widowed...single...alone... I don't want to be an older mom. I don't want to be an old maid. I don't want to be alone in this world. I know relationship status should not affect one's self esteem, but it does, at least for me. When I am secure in a relationship, I can be happy knowing that someone loves me and is thinking about me and making plans for our future, just like I am for that other person. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me because I know I have one special person in my corner. Now, I don't even want to go out in the world. I have to go to a party on Saturday and all I'm thinking is, everyone else there is married with kids.

I had to go to Anatomy class last night and when I should have been paying attention, all I could think about was this thing with E. Instead of taking notes, I made a list of things I could do to keep busy since I'll now have all this "free time." Unfortunately, all of the activities involve lots of thinking time, so I know I'll be dwelling on this for a while.

To go back to the flower vase, I guess it is representative of my dreams. It was beautiful while it lasted, but I guess it was a false reality, just something to temporarily make me forget my life is in the shithole.

Sorry so long. I may write more later.