For many years, more than I can remember, I have felt detached from life in a way. It would be almost like I was just observing someone else's life, so while I would have moments here or there when I would feel engaged, the majority of the time I didn't. I held in any emotions, didn't really express anything, didn't tell people how I truly felt about them. It got worse the last 5 years or so, dealing with Joe's medical problems, our money problems, my insane baby cravings, the desire to have a normal aspects of a marriage that most people take for granted. I don't know what this would be called by a psychologist, although I've been told I was detached, very depressed, and in a crisis, whatever that means. I've been told I should take anti-depressants, but I've been afraid since I already felt remote, they would make it worse and I would lose my grasp of reality. Crazy, huh?
Just out of the blue this evening, I realized that is now changing for me. It's not perfect, and I doubt it ever will be "normal" but I'm feeling almost happy most of the time. Certainly I feel that I'm actually accomplishing something with my life. I'm working toward a career, I am supporting myself, even if it's mainly through life insurance. My bills are all paid, I can even help out others once in a while. I have a relationship where I can be the one who is babied once in a while. I crave seeing and touching and even smelling him, I never want to let him go. I know this is the new relationship infatuation thing (even at 9 months into it) but it's almost exhilarating. On the other hand I feel insecure. Before, I felt removed but it was a secure removed. Like being on a distant mountain, far away but with a sturdy foundation, nothing was going to change. Now I feel like this joy can very quickly be taken away from me. I don't want to rely this much on someone and base my happiness on something I can't control, because it's scary.
Rambling tonight. The main point is, I feel some purpose and some joy to my life again.
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4 comments:
I remember the first time I felt myself "waking up" from the grief - it was still there, but instead of defining me, it had become just a part of me. All of a sudden, I noticed my surroundings, other people, and sounds and smells that had been there all along. It sounds like you are having a similar experience.
What I so admire in you, is that even with the first doubts in your relationship, you didn't give up on E. and made it work. I hope one day I can do that too. It's scary to be in a new relationship, to give someone a chance. For me it's easier to say stop, this is not going to work, and then distance myself. If I ever get another chance, I'll call you and let you do some peptalk :-)
You've come a long way Sara, you are an awesome woman.
Tanja
Thanks, GR. I agree, it sounds like I'm going through the same thing you did. I hope it fully "lifts", or at least much more, soon.
Thanks, Tanja, that is very sweet of you. I guess it remains to be seen if that was a good decision of mine to keep trying to make things work. I think there is a point where you DO need to say, enough, it shouldn't be this hard, and I guess everyone needs to make that decision for themselves.
i'm glad that you are feeling that happiness that you so deserve. i can understand the not wanting to go on antidepressants.... i was terrified of taking them for years, when i had some issues. once jacksen was dx'd with cancer, i jumped at it & stayed on through his treatment and hospitalization and thankfully was still on them when corey had his accident. very much helped me, not saying you should, by any means, just sharing my story. guess i'm rambling as well, lol.
it's an amazing feeling to have that change and realize it and i am so happy for you, sara!
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