A fellow widda posted something about how it's hard to reach out, to make herself vulnerable, and as I re-read her post, I realize how much I identify with that.
I've always been that way. It's difficult for me to initiate hugs, even with family. It's so much easier for me to write an email than call someone, because I hate the thought of "inconveniencing" them by interrupting something. I don't cry in front of people. Since Joe died, I've cried in front of 1 person only, my sister, and though she was great, I felt so...exposed, and uncomfortable.
When E and I had that argument and I left and came back to his house the next day, I so badly wanted to reach out and touch his arm or hold his hand, to silently say "I'm sorry," but it took several minutes of trying to convince myself in my head to do it. Why is that?
I don't know the answer, but I know I need to work on improving myself. Where would we all be if no one ever put themselves in a vulnerable situation? I don't want to be this seemingly cold, unfeeling person. It's not who I am at all, but at times I know I project it.
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4 comments:
Sari, I'm a big hugger, always the first one to reach out, to take someone's hand, to give some warmth.
But I don't think I did that at your age, back then it was difficult. I had to learn this through the times. I'm not afraid to be vulnerable anymore, as that shows the real Tanja. And they can like me or not, it doesn't matter much.
Sometimes, reading your posts, I think you are my little sister.
Give yourself time to grow.
Tanja
Tanja is right. This really seems to be the way of womenhood. I was not one to show emotion or reach out when I was young either.
Don't worry so much. Just be you.
Sometimes, reading your posts, I think you are my little sister.
Tanja, I take this as a very high compliment ((HUGS))
Thanks to you both. I'm glad I'm not alone.
Well, I'm so glad that something I said honestly "struck a nerve" with someone else (hard to reach out). I think that when we realize something is when we have the capacity to make the changes we want, however slowly and tentatively - now matter how many moments or years it takes us. I challenge both of us to take someleaps - and share them with each other. So fondly and look forward to hearing about your week-end. Prayed this morning for your discernment in the situation. Your feelings were so understandable in your blog. Claudia
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