6 months out, my widow story

(Originally posted on the widow board, but I think it's relevant to post here as well. Just a warning, some details of death.)

I don't think I've really shared my widow story, so for those of you wondering, here it is.

I could go on and on about how wonderful my husband was but for this post I'll focus on circumstances leading to his passing. Joe had been an untreated diabetic for years. I don't know how long, but it was a long time. After we met, I was able to get him to see a doctor. Within the first year, he was told his kidneys were failing but that he had a long time before he would need a transplant. Well, about 5 years later he finally had to start dialysis and was put on the transplant list. Dialysis was really really hard for him. He had a lot of difficulty controlling his fluid gains (it is really hard on your heart to constantly be putting on and taking off 15+ pounds of fluid.) If you've never dealt with the rigors of being a dialysis patient, it's very hard to really understand. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. At one point he told me he didn't see himself making it past the end of 2007. Of course I refused to even consider the idea. The day before he died, he made the comment that he was going to fight this. That evening, he made himself some hotdogs for dinner, watched some ESPN, moved a heavy appliance outside, and we went to bed about 9. The last thing we said to each other was I love you. About 3am I woke up and noticed he didn't have his oxygen mask on (he had sleep apnea too). This was fairly common, and I would just shake him and he'd put it back on. This time I shook him and there was no response. I shook him harder and harder and nothing. I put my hand on his arm where the dialysis access was (basically a huge vein that you can feel his pulse and it's always very obvious) and there was nothing. At this point I'm panicking, jump up and turn on the light, he's not moving, not warm. I fumbled around with my cell phone trying to make the numbers work to call 911 and I very clearly remember saying, I think my husband's dead. After that I remember sobbing, the operator wanted me to stay on the phone but I told her I had to put clothes on and call my mother. I did those things, then ran outside praying and hyperventilating.

He would sometimes ask me to "watch over him" if he wasn't feeling well, I guess so I could tell him to put him oxygen back on or whatever, and I always said, babe, you know when I'm asleep nothing wakes me up. It was kind of a joke between us. To think that if I'd woken up earlier, or just not gone to sleep at all, maybe he'd still be alive 6 months later, is horrible. I know it is for all of us widows, but this was definitely the most traumatic thing I've ever been through. During our entire relationship, I was basically "mother hen" and caregiver, so I was trying to research and make improvements and so on, but yet I didn't do well enough to save him. I have a lot of guilt when I think about all this, so usually I try to put it out of my mind. I think I'm still in denial somewhat.

We had all these big plans, to have a house full of children, to grow old together, to be one of those old couples walking in the park holding hands. I regret so much of the petty fights, my nagging to eat better, etc. His health problems affected every facet of our marriage and it was so stressful. I don't regret our marriage AT ALL, but I'm just saying it was hard. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to show from the past 7 years except too many pets.

Anyway, here I am. Made it 6 whole months without him. It feels like yesterday and at the same time a billion years ago.