Hard day, brother-in-law's wedding

Today (technically yesterday) was Joe's brother's wedding. Should be a joyous occasion, right? I think it was for everyone but me.

First I drove the 3 hours with my father-in-law. Not too horrible, except we kept talking about old fishing stories, how Joe would kick father-in-law's ass in certain fishing holes, and how Joe was so competitive (I'm blubbering now just typing it.)

We get to the hotel and I'm getting ready in the bathroom. Mother-in-law and sister-in-law knocks on the door, I let them in and run back in the bathroom (not really dressed) and a whole freaking crew of someone's friends walk in. Um, HELLO? I'm naked trying to get ready. This part wasn't really related to missing Joe but it was kind of shitty. Sister-in-law apologized later said the people just sort of followed them up.

During the ceremony I start to get teary but manage to hold it back pretty well. Joe should have been the best man. I should have seen him in a tux. He should have given a toast at the reception, and we could have joked about the bad food together. Then they called all the couples out on the floor...ugh,

After dinner everyone went for a limo ride. It was cramped and stuffy but Joe would have had a blast. Oh, then the "happy couple" made some sort of reference to getting pregnant in the future. Ouch - straight to my heart! It's so fucking not fair that he's not here. I got out when they dropped the kids off. The adults were going back out to party for a couple of hours, but there's no way I would have been able to be around happy stuff like that.

Now I'm up in my super nice hotel room, lying on a plush mattress that I should be sharing with him. We should be taking a shower together enjoying the amazing water pressure, then relaxing in bed, maybe watching a movie. It's just not fucking fair!!!!! I am all alone, sitting in the dark (well, have the glow of the laptop) depressing myself. Even texted my guy friend I've been talking to lately and he hasn't responded. Too late to call my family to chat.

The one redeeming part of today was that my brother-in-law and 2 sisters-in-law made me feel really good, really part of the family. They were posing for pictures and it was "siblings only" and they made sure I was in those siblings only pictures with them. Not even their spouses were, but they made sure I was. I wish he was here to see how kind and caring they have been.

I went out on my balcony and listened to the ocean then started trying to figure out if I jumped over the railing would it kill me or just break my legs, so I went back inside. I'd never really do that but I was very very overwhelmingly sad.

God I miss him. I can't stop crying right now.