Tonight, my mostly happy life just took a sharp downward turn. I have just spent the last hour crying and trying to breathe (you know how it is, your head gets all stuffy and yucky), and I could just use something... maybe a few prayers for strength and hope... I don't know exactly what I need.Maybe just to yell... I F***ING HATE MY LIFE! WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO HORRIBLE THAT I SHOULD DESERVE THIS?!!!
I hate feeling like the past year and a half with him has been building to probably nothing. I hate feeling like I've trapped myself in a life that I don't want, and I can't get what I want because of the limitations I've created for myself. So, I blame myself for things not working out, and I blame him for making me blame myself, if that makes sense. I love him so much, and I hate him right now. I don't want to live without him, and I hope he calls me and says "just kidding", and yet I know how crazy that is to drag this out even longer.
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