Irritated

I didn't get to see Cowboy yesterday. Saturday night he was doing something at the bar he frequents, they sponsor him for the rodeo and he hangs out there a lot (too much really). I called him Saturday afternoon to say hi and it's Monday, noon time, and he still hasn't called me back. I expected him to be hungover on Sunday and to do something later in the day, but this is ridiculous. So, fine. He's not taking this seriously, then I'm not taking this seriously. When he calls, eventually, I'll be busy. Asshole.

Still haven't heard from my family. I feel very alone right now. I'm lucky that I have a few friends that check on me. If I could move away and not tell anyone in my family, I would. I wish I would kick them off my FB page, but that probably wouldn't do any good anyway.

Feeling lonely and weak last night, I called E. We talked and reminisced for almost 2 hours. He was looking at our old pictures and reading my old emails I'd sent to him. It was nice to hear I was interesting and not the boring old woman I think Cowboy sees me as (because I'm kind of quiet and don't drink very much). For all his issues, E and I are on the same page as far as what's fun. I like that, and yet it kind of scares me that I like the same things as a 50-something man. Maybe I AM that boring old woman. I think I will go down to his town this weekend and have dinner. I need to get away from here for a little while. I'm sure he will try to convince me to spend the night, and I made arrangements for the dogs just in case I decide to do that. At this point I'm not planning on it, but it would be nice to be held. Cowboy doesn't hold me. We fuck on his couch and then watch TV from separate ends as he smokes a cigarette.

I don't want this kind of shit in my life, but this is what I get. If I cut this out completely, then I have nothing. No attention, no affection, no feeling attractive, no hope (even if it is false). It's really lonely and dark without anything, and no amount of focusing on school, finding a hobby, or being happy with myself will make it better, so please don't suggest it.