I quit

Life got a little better, and then got worse in the couple of weeks since my last post. I was feeling very, very down when I wrote that, probably the closest to suicidal I've been (don't worry, I would never do that, I am doomed to suffer here for the next 50 years or so). But I also started my period that day, so I was glad to know at least a little of what I was feeling was hormonal.

I ended up asking Cowboy was he bored with me, because things had cooled off considerably. He said no, that he was sorry and he'd had things on his mind, he'd been busy, and he needed to get used to being in a relationship again. I'm not sure how much I believe all that, but I'm willing to give it another chance. Well, he was more attentive for a while but this week I've barely talked to him. That's partly because I've been sick and didn't go over to his place (he has a rodeo in a few days and can't get sick), but we've exchanged maybe 1-2 texts a day. Not much else. That's not really OK with me. I gave him the ultimate test and sent him a friend request on Facebook last night LOL. I haven't checked the results yet. We've been dating almost 2 months, sleeping together, we both claim to be exclusive. I see no reason why we can't proclaim our relationship (or at the very least be "friends") on FB. I also go see him tomorrow so it will be nice to spend some time together.

I'd been feeling more and more that nursing was not the right path for me. I've had incredible anxiety, especially when in clinicals, and that had not improved at all over the semester. I'd decided not to continue next semester. When I informed my mom and sister of this, oh boy did the shit hit the fan. My mom sat there, silent, while my sister said that I'm a failure, a loser, a drain on the family, and my favorite - a skank whore. There were more horrible comments from her that I'm not going to repeat. I left sobbing. As I walked out the door, mom finally spoke up and said "But you know we still love you?" Thanks, you still love me even though I'm a skank whore and a drain on the family. I think I should mention here that I don't ask my family for ANYTHING. OK, occasionally I ask them to watch my dogs when I go out of town, but I PAY THEM for it. I also don't see how deciding that nursing is not for me makes me a failure. I gave it 4 months, I think that's long enough to know. Plus, it's my life, my decision. They are not the ones doing it. Anyway, that was Wednesday, it's now Saturday, and they haven't called me. I'm not calling them either, they can kiss my skank whore ass. Bitches.

My plan for school now is this: Fall semester (at the end of this month) I'll be taking a Spanish class, because I think that will be helpful. Spring semester I will hopefully be starting at the local university in the Community Health program for my Bachelors, and that will lead into the Masters of Public Health. I'm really glad I already have my AA, and luckily all the pre-requisites for nursing match the pre-reqs for Comm Health. It's going to be expensive and I'll have to get loans, but I'll deal with it. I have to start living like I'm poor (which I am, actually, but have been trying to ignore that fact and enjoy the life insurance money - bad idea). I'll be working more to try to save some money, and I'm thinking about getting a part-time job, 1 or 2 nights a week. Regardless of the extra work, I'm looking forward to not having so much go on for a few months. I've been working so hard, taking 5-6 classes per semester, basically earning a degree and a half in the past 2 years, that I need a break. As soon as I notified the nursing program people I was leaving, I felt this huge weight lifted.

Peace.