He still calls me "baby"

It's been two months now, since E and I broke up. I've been very good, I haven't called, texted, or emailed. I have been firm in my resolve to not give in. After all, what's the point? It's not like he's changed his mind about the dogs.

I was downloading some pictures from my camera when I saw some of his house in my town (the one we cleaned out for the new tenants). He had taken the pictures on my camera as his was lost. I thought I would be nice and email them in case he had any problems with the tenants. I kept the email very short and to-the-point: Here's the pictures. I didn't ask how he was, no chit-chat or anything. Well, he writes back, "oh thank you baby" baby this, baby that, blah blah. Then a few days later sends me his pictures of our trip to the mountains. More baby baby. It pissed me off that he calls me that. I did not respond to either baby-baby emails, and I'm not going to. I can't go there. It still hurts.

Last night he sent a Christmas e-card. It was a stupid little cartoon video of a teddy bear watering a flower pot and out pops a little Christmas tree. The message in the e-card was something to the effect of hoping I had the "best Christmas ever" and a happy new year. Hey E, bite me! How the hell am I supposed to be having the best Christmas ever? Two months ago I was fairly secure in a relationship that I thought would be continuing with marriage and children. We'd certainly been together long enough, shared enough experiences (good and bad) together. Now I'm single again, have to start the "give it time" stopwatch over again, have to start building a relationship again... yuck. Fuck you, E, and your best Christmas ever.

The sad thing is, while I am mad at him, and pissed that he even has the nerve to send something like that, I kind of like it too. It's that sick game he and I play, the back-and-forth bullshit. I would love to see him come crawling back, although I know that will never happen. At this point, even if he did, I don't think I would want him back, although as a friend pointed out last night, that's because I'm talking to someone new. When I am completely without prospects, I get feeling kind of desperate. Sigh... not a great part of my personality, but if I can't be honest in my own blog, where can I be?

Last year this time I was trying to decide what to buy E for Christmas. I did not spend much time with my family because I was with him, and he "doesn't like crowds". I thought to myself, we need a "Our First Christmas" ornament, because surely, we'll be together many years and it will be nice to have a keepsake. Well, I guess we needed a "First and Last" ornament because we won't be sharing any more holidays.

It's probably for the best, but it still hurts.