It's been almost 2 months since I've updated. There's been lots of ups and downs, and I don't know if I will post them all. I don't know if I have the energy. Just felt like I needed to post today.
Today I made the mistake of viewing my high school class of '99 on Facebook. I saw many, many people with children, babies, ultrasounds of unborn babies on their page. I saw many who apparently married someone from their "crew" in high school. For some reason, it just disgusts me. Maybe disgust isn't the right word. Makes me feel sick, that might be a better description. I don't know how to be happy for these people when it turns my stomach. I don't know what anyone can say to make it better. I don't know what I can tell myself to make it better.
My 10-year high school reunion should be happening this summer. I had toyed with the idea of going, now I know for sure I'm not. There's no way I could handle it, and I don't want bitterness and tears to show on my face around those people, most of whom I haven't seen or spoken to since graduation.
I have things I'm working toward, things I should be proud of, but I'm not, because I feel like it's second rate to what I really want and what others have.
My 28th birthday is in a week. I feel like I need to figure out something important, something meaningful, to reset my life on the correct course by then. Is that even possible? I have no idea. I don't even know what I mean by that anyway.
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3 comments:
Dear Sara...sometimes being in a funk, yes it is painful....it will give yuo answers. After feeling like shit, there is time to dust off and make a grand life for yourself! You are worth it (and you know it), but you have to be ready and willing. Willing to endure the pain to lead to the joy and willing to do the legwork. You are only 28 years old (Happy Birthday).....and I hope that life will be grand for you aswell! In the meantime, know that I care about yuo and want to wish yuo all the best! Huggies Anja.
Sara, I so understand the hurt in this post. Only 27 years old, and so betrayed by life already.
Will I ever get that family I long for? Husband, children? Will I die without ever having experienced that? Big questions. Fear.
What is most important for you right now is to accept who you are. Sara. Alone. Lonely. With a strong wish to build a family.
But also, a wonderful woman. A strong personality, at the same time so sweet. With so much love inside of her.
Sara, it is OK to grief this part of your life. It is OK not to go to this reunion, there will be more to come, and by then you will have good news to share. Cry until you can cry no longer, because your reasons to cry are valid.
You are hurting, you are grieving. Not just grieving for your husband, but for your dreams of having a family.
Embrace the pain, even though that is difficult. But always keep dreaming sweetie. And remember that dreams do come true.
Love ya,
Tanja
Thanks Anja and Tanja. You two are always so sweet, and say what I need to hear (even when I don't want to hear it, LOL)
Birthday is Wednesday. No big "resetting" planned. I'm OK with that.
Thanks and ((HUGS))
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