Last night was bad also. I found a short video on my laptop. Joe had taken my laptop to dialysis and was goofing around with the techs. I heard his voice on the video and just lost it.
Tonight I was listening to a song and I started sobbing again. Why did all of this have to happen to him? He was such a kind and fun person. Why did he have to be subjected to all these problems in his life? Why did he have all those bad times in his childhood, his many health problems, stressors in our marriage, why did he have to endure so many needles, all that time in the dialysis clinic (he went every day), all the tortures of tests, and deal with all my problems too?
And even sicker, I sit here wondering, why me? I am a smart person, I did what I could, researched so much, why couldn't I have saved him? Why did I have to become a widow at 26? Why couldn't we get pregnant? Why do I have to deal with depression and family drama and a father who doesn't give a shit about me?
And most of all...why do I have to stay here and live on when my best friend is gone?
I feel like I can't really break down and cry with anyone. It feels like no one is grieving him like I am. I am so alone right now and just want physical affection, and I'm only 6 weeks out! Ugh.
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